My story’s beginning is not a time of my life I would ever want to re-live. And yet, I am very thankful for my life then. I am not ashamed of anything in my life. I am not proud of the choices I made either as they were sin. I am forgiven of them and walk in freedom. What I share next in my life is Jesus truly moving in very mighty ways. On a day-to-day basis, it was very negligible. Yet, it was happening!
A key Scripture that I sense we (Jesus and I) practiced was during this season of my life was, “Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.” Psalms 5:3, NLT
Another Scripture that is a powerhouse in driving me to never give up on God is, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20, NLT
So, here is more of my story…
After we started attending a different because of the prompting of our youngest daughter. With a group of men from this church I attended a Promise Keepers event in Kansas City and this shook me to the core of my being, I surrendered. But, I kept my dark secret as I correctly sensed if I came clean I would be rejected. I was very loved by this time at our church and very involved. I was a deacon, very active in drama ministry, men’s ministry, started an encouragement/prayer ministry, and loved doing everything I could with the youth – both high school and junior high. I even taught some children and adult classes too. This is proof that God will empower us and allow us to work with Him even when we have deep secrets.
Now, I must tell you from the time I graduated college until I married, and then once later when out of the country with a small group of guys I worked with, there were three times I acted out on my SSA desires. All three times the other man initiated the very inappropriate behavior. I rationalized away the seriousness of these acts as I only responded. Each time, I made it stop before much happened because I became VERY scared! With one of the men it happened over a few months, becoming more and more dangerous. I allowed little to happen because he was married. He moved out of the state with his wife and I was very glad. As I look back, I know God shielded me. I did sin for what I allowed. Even sin can teach us as each time I would analyze what happened and know it was wrong. There was little enjoyment when there was so much guilt and shame, more secrets. It was not worth the minuscule physical pleasure.
After Promise Keepers I became involved in an accountability group with several guys. This stuck with three of us. We met for over five years and…I kept my secret the whole time. Almost every time we met I was determined to tell them but I would cave due to fear.
I finally had a great job with a small Internet company and our financial life was turning around slowly. We had become grandparents of two amazing grandsons who I practically worshiped. These were the children I never got to have.
Life was good in so many ways, other than my deep dark secret. I was in and out of porn and, as far as I knew, no one was aware. It was dragging me down, hard and fast. I stayed strong in studying the Bible, was an avid reader of Christian non-fiction books (“self-help” is what my wife called them), and yet I still persisted in the porn/masturbation/lusting after men.
The owner of the Internet company I was working for decided to move his business to Orlando, Florida. He offered to move all his employees too by presenting to us a move package that included purchasing our homes, six months wages for our wives as they looked for jobs, and many other perks. I did not want to move but I didn’t want to be unemployed again! While making this decision, I finally caved and told my secret to the two accountability buddies. It was a huge relief to share this secret and get it outside my body! One was really cool and understanding. He offered to help in prayer and holding me accountable to stay away from the porn. The other guy was verbally supportive but almost immediately he was different around me. This confirmed my suspicions on telling my secret and how people would react. This was approximately three months before we moved to Florida. I prayed and prayed truly believing this move was the best for us.
We moved, got settled, and lived happily ever after. No! The first six months in Florida my wife was one very pissed off woman! I had taken her away from her two daughters, now three grandchildren, her family, her home. I kept loving her as I knew it was the right move for us. We found an amazing church within a couple of months. We were loved on by so many people who truly helped to save our marriage.
I had some setbacks with the porn so I sought out three guys to meet with and told them I had been deep into porn – not saying the particulars while they presumed it was women, and this helped me to break this awful stronghold. Now really, Christ through them and in me receives all the glory!
We lived there for approximately four years and I became very bored with my life. I had a fantastic job, we lived in sunny Florida, had a great townhouse, friends, and church, yet I was very dissatisfied. I started taking professional acting classes and improv classes–actually considering pursuing acting as a real career. I did tons of dramas at church with much praise and encouragement. Several people were suggesting that I should seek opportunities to grow this talent in one or more of the many theaters, shows, etc. in Orlando as it has tons of opportunities.
At the same time my Bible study and “self-help” reading had greatly increased too. I prayed much, asking God what He wanted me to do. A sage older man at church one Sunday suggested, “go to seminary.” About the same time, another man I had really grown to respect was encouraging me to go on for formal theological studies too. So, after considering three different universities, Regent University in Virginia Beach was suggested as an option. I really liked the school’s website. It really “felt’ right after much prayer so I decided to do it. Other factors in this decision included: Regent was the only seminary I could find with an online program, it did not have “Christian” in the name (I still do not know why this was important and believe I’ll understand as time passes), and I did not have to take Greek or Hebrew as I barely could manage English! Yes, these were very deep spiritual decisions. I am being precocious and yet I know deep down that these were valid and He led me to this amazing school for many, many reasons!
In seminary I shared my secret three more times, each as an act of obedience to what Christ wanted me to do. The first was at His command via a course syllabus. Yes, God speaks in many ways. The second two times were more profound and as a result of surrender and answering His call to, “follow me.” Because of these acts of obedience, the sin in my life was falling away and this greatly aided in hearing and understanding Him! We must choose to be holy (set apart, not perfect), follow scripture, and as we journey the relationship with Jesus grows so deep – I want this for everyone!
I had a preaching class where I was to deliver a sermon on campus in which the scripture I was using for it was the woman with the hemorrhage in Luke chapter 8. The semester was progressing and I needed to work on this sermon. One day while in the shower, I asked Jesus how to finish the sermon I was to deliver and I clearly heard Him say, “tell your story.” My instant answer was, “NO!” Then, I knew in my soul I could not tell Him this. So, I prayed, “I will do what You ask and I will need Your courage to do this as even the idea of this scares me to death!” It is amazing how I find He can talk to me while in the shower as my defenses are greatly down – must be something true about being naked before God! I know what is more true is being naked before Him in our souls as we share secrets and bare all to Him. What happens then? Freedom like no else can give, comes!!
I graduated seminary in May 2010 not having a clue what to do with this master’s degree, deeply in debt to student loans with more freedom that I really understood and, with so much more to come!!
I prayed, fasted, asking key people to pray for me as to what God wanted with me. My brother had lost his job and was starting a MAT program to be a teacher. I had looked into this program when we moved back to Missouri from Florida in 2008 but I had two years left of my theology degree and did not want to tackle two programs of study at one time. Teaching is why I started my theology degree so I took my search to a deeper level with a three-day fast and a trip to IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City to spend the third day of my fast in their prayer room for almost eight hours of persistent prayer, seeking God’s direction. During this time I had two Scriptures speak to me that were pointedly about teaching and once I clearly heard, “teach.” So, I enrolled in the same program with my brother and started pursuing a teaching certificate and another master’s degree.
In May 2011 my world, along with almost everyone else in my community, turned upside down. A F5 tornado took out 30% of our city and with it my dad perished. He was missing all night and the next morning God led my son-by-marriage and I right to him. Prior to the tornado I had interviewed for a few teaching positions and had not had a contract offered to me, so I had started talking to a software company about a position doing support. I felt like I was going backward as this was the same type of work I had done when I started seminary and was so very dissatisfied. This company offered me a job so I accepted, thinking I would keep looking for a teaching contract.
After the tornado I knew I could not handle a teaching position. You see, after my dad was killed and we found him, the next morning my oldest sister died of a stress-induced heart attack from losing our dad. My family was truly devastated. This pain was almost unbearable, or so I thought. I did not know what was to come though.
I went approximately a month and then started seeing a Christian counselor. This helped me to deal with the loss but also started me on a journey to the root of my SSA.
Our hearts contain almost an endless number of rooms. There are rooms with great treasures like: integrity, strength, honesty, courage, confidence, and many other jewels. There are rooms that have been vacated and need to be cleaned, redecorated, furnished, and used again. And, there are rooms of great hurt, brokenness, despair, and tragedy. We found the room that contained pain like no human should go through. You see, I was molested when I was three years old. This was revealed through much, much prayer – miraculous prayer – constant feeding on God’s word, His tender sweet voice, and a plethora of other ways He gently encouraged me to follow Him in this journey.
Before starting counseling I completed information about my life, I held nothing back. One item I shared was a flash memory from my early childhood. I had no idea what it meant or even if it was me. This was the only piece of evidence we had to lead us to my room of extreme brokenness. Jesus went before me, met me there, and brought me healing. This is a story, a very powerful story, for a different post. Just let me say, we can be in more than one place at a time through inner-healing prayer, or what some would call healing memories prayer. This prayer was the incubator allowing me to face this tragic event. Jesus come into this room with me and my three-year-old self who had been locked in there alone, terrified, hurt beyond words, betrayed, lied to, used, and left behind by many, but worst of all–by me!!
Honestly, when reflecting upon my life it is a miracle that I am alive now. My counselor told me this once, sharing that most people with this brokenness turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. in such extremes that their lives are usually short. God is, and has been, so merciful to me! He loves me like no other and this is true of you also. He is love. I John 4:8.
I am now a man with more wholeness and healing than I could ever have hoped for with much more to come as my Lord and Savior is so generous to me. I know we are not done yet. Proof of this is that I recently celebrated one year of freedom from masturbation. Previously I had almost two years of freedom in this. I have been free of porn for almost ten years now. I see a man who is attractive as a child of God and possibly a brother in Christ and do not have lust in my heart as I did for so very, very long. My marriage is growing and thriving with no secrets. Those closest to me know my story and still love me. Most have more respect and see the courage and might of a warrior of Christ–He truly has transformed me into this warrior!
I have freedom! I love my heart! I give all credit for this to God and how He pursued me so gently, wanting to bless me with salvation from my sin and truly give me a life no one else can give–an eternal, full, life now–with Heaven yet to come! And, I want this for you too. So, I share my story, our story–meaning Jesus and mine–as I am nothing without Him. I share my life so the world will see how REAL, ALIVE, LOVING, and KIND our Heavenly Father is and how Jesus truly saves and redeems us from our sin to give us a life we could never grasp on our own.
I pray you know exactly what I feel and have this freedom. If you do not, I offer here through this blog to be another person in your life to walk with you showing you freedom is available for you also, as God is so very generous and will assist you to have freedom too. You will have much, much hard work to do with Him. It will cost you everything. The reward will be priceless!
This blog is for us. Who am I talking about? I am reaching out to anyone who wants freedom. I want you to consider the cost. I have paid all. Do I have more to pay? Yes, there will always be more to pay as freedom is a lived out reality trusting Jesus, doing whatever He asks, when He asks. We will love and minister to each other as we journey together, with Jesus. We have found each other here for a reason and if you want freedom like you see in my life, it can happen. If you have the freedom I describe, or better, then I want to journey with you as we need to band together. This is an arduous journey and we cannot do it alone. If you lack freedom then this blog can be for you if you are willing to tell your secrets, surrender, and let Jesus into the rooms of your heart that harbor brokenness, allowing Him to heal you in miraculous ways. I’ll share how Jesus and I worked together to be real in future posts. If you think any of this story is amazing…just wait as there is so much more to tell you. His love never stops amazing me!