Ten Best Reasons Why I’m Not Gay

When our culture is giving easy approval to someone struggling with unwanted Same Sex Attraction (SSA)/homosexual desires and many churches are falling in suit too, I feel it is necessary to give my reasons why I made the choice not to identify myself as gay. I must say this has been a very difficult journey with much confusion, frustration, loneliness, isolation, anger, fear; lacking in any amount of peace as I worked through this mine field of pain and suffering. On the flip side of the journey now – peace is overflowing with many other positives that were non-existent when I was struggling.

I write these reasons reflecting back into the time when I struggled and why I did not give in and identify myself as gay. This is from my heart and is not backed by any scientific facts, statistics, etc. That will be a post for another day, but not this day.

My list includes, but is not limited to:

1. I refused to let confusing urges drive my identity.

2. Fear stopped me from “acting out” or “experimenting.”

3. Critical thinking.

4. My faith in God, belief in His Word.

5. My family’s values conflicted with this lifestyle, I would have disappointed them.

6. I liked girls.

7. Homosexual acts were disgusting, I felt dirty after thinking them.

8. Refusal to cave to painful, crushing teasing just to have it stop.

9. Deep inside I could not give up on Jesus’ ability to save and transform me.

10. I got married and did not want to destroy my wife and daughter’s lives by giving in to “urges.”

When I heard anyone discuss homosexuality and flatly state it is was a choice, I would cringe inside. I felt they were saying I was choosing to have these unholy desires and that I wanted to be gay. This was not true. I hated the feelings I had. I had no idea where they came from and certainly did not decide to have them. My heart aches for anyone who is struggling with homosexual feelings and cannot understand them. This truly was a cause of depression, loneliness, isolation, and at the same time the catalyst for putting on masks to cover all this as I certainly did not want anyone to know the “real” me, and hate me. Yes, I really believed I would be hated because almost anyone who talked about homosexuality had so much hate in their words. This, to me, meant they hated me. People say they hate the sin and love the sinner. This is basically impossible for the sinner to hear and believe as the hate, I felt, was lodged at me. The sin was me and I was the sin.

How then did I manage to go decades struggling with these feelings and not act out on them? First, knowing God’s Word clearly spoke to me how it is sin and not acceptable to Him. Second, knowing if He said it is wrong then He had to have some way to help me. God is love. He is real. He would not let me struggle with something that felt like tons of anguish weighing me down forever. I would remember the day in the field behind my home at three years of age when for the first time I knew God was real, in Heaven, all around me, we danced, and He told me we would do great things together. [Note: This is in Part 1 of The Short-The Tall, The Skinny-The All] Yes, these were the most compelling factors that held me back along with basically no opportunity presenting itself. I was a loner with no friends. I’d like to think if a guy would have expressed interest in me I would have said no. Guess it doesn’t matter now. I am very thankful I did not act out as most who struggle with these desires. [NOTE: I am talking about “acting out” on an ongoing basis. There were three times where I did “act out” which I tell about in Part 1 of my story and below.]

When I give the reason of “Critical Thinking” above I certainly do not mean any scientific formula or lab experiment. I stopped to think about what was happening inside myself with these confusing desires. And, what always struck me as strange was, if I got to know a guy I was “jonesin” over, the attraction greatly diminished, or went away totally if I became friends with him, even on a very casual basis. How could this be? If I was truly gay and that was how I was made, then why would the desire fade like this? Yes, I had girls I liked and I would feel that “warm-fuzzy-pukie” titillation and it would go away too, but this was different, I really liked girls. With guys the feeling was more obsessive, desiring something from them that I felt I lacked. Girls didn’t have anything I lacked. Instead, they were an enigma, totally different from me which was a great part of the attraction, smelled good, looked good, walked in ways that made me stare and look like a total dufus, they could be so annoying and yet in ways that drew me to them–basically they drove me crazy, and still do! Today there is one girl who has my undivided focus and she creates all these feelings wrapped up in the most beautiful creature ever to walk the earth!! And, the one who drives me the craziest for lots of reasons and I’d never give her up for a man–that would be CRAZY!

My family was just as dysfunctional as any and we loved each other just as much as any family too. Being the youngest, with my twin sister, of five children there was a lot of fighting. Lots of names were called and I know I called my siblings only names of endearment because I was such a perfect little boy. Not! I learned to have a sharp tongue too and used my speech in ways to protect my feelings from a very young age. I say this but honestly, I don’t remember much of my childhood. [Note: Again, if you want more details on this please read Part 1 referred to above.] So, family values were instilled more from the dinner table, the use of a hair brush on my backside when very young, or laying across on old, backless, pink divan (I loathed that piece of furniture for many reasons with the greatest being the pain from whoopins’ inflicted while upon it…and the color! Think Pepto-Bismol. Yes, it was extremely ugly and I have a stomach ache thinking about it no–please pass the Pepto!) and from church.

When I grew up the word “gay” meant happy, carefree, and I remember using it when in the first year or two of grade school. One day I used “gay” about something and was told not to say it as it was a bad word. I didn’t know what my classmate could mean so I asked? I was told it meant a guy kisses another guy and does other “stuff” that he should do with girls. I was shocked! Why would a guy do this? It seemed crazy to me. And, I went on being a little boy and didn’t give it much more thought until later in grade school when I was called this. Then, I knew it was a horrible word as it sliced my heart and ripped from my mind any confidence I had about myself. I knew it was “dirty” and “bad” so this meant I was dirty and bad. I had never kissed a guy or done “other stuff” so why was I being called this? Because I wasn’t athletic, scared of the other boys in school so I didn’t hang around them, and very effeminate for a boy. I never liked school and was afraid of going each year for weeks and weeks into the year until I finally started to feel comfortable with the teacher, and maybe some of the other kids in the class. I remember wanting to be liked, accepted, to fit in and I never did so school was miserable. I was miserable and very sad. I say this now and I really don’t think I knew I was so sad. Sadness was my constant companion. He was better than no companion.

At some point in my childhood my older brother would call me “homo” but he really wasn’t calling me this. This word was just the new word that had started to be used by all kids in school. I remember a speech by our dad at dinner, prompted by mom as she did not like this word being used, telling us that the Bible called this an “abomination” and my dad saying it was horrible and that he didn’t want us to call each other this again. Well, this of course reinforced the use of it because dad had now told how us how horrible it was so it had all the more power to crush when used. I don’t remember being upset if my brother called me this as it was not the same–he did not really believe that about me. The kids at school using this was totally different. I hated it and had no way to make it stop! The pain was killer, I admit it. It killed my confidence, self-respect, and caused me to really wonder if it was true? This was excruciatingly painful and even though I wondered, deep down I was mad, really furious, and decided I would not be this word, or any other that meant the same, just because I was called it! That’s it. It was a decision made deep inside me and it was done. Now, I see it was one of the best decisions I made as a very young child.

Girls made me lose any intelligence I had from a very young age! Not that there was an extreme about of it to begin with! I remember playing with a few girls on the playground, because I was scared of the boys and my sister asked me to come and play with her and some of her friends. By accident while swinging around a pole by one hand a girl came from the opposite direction and kissed me. Everyone laughed except the two of us. We were both very embarrassed. I hated being laughed at, but…the kiss? I liked it! Of course, I ran off because I didn’t know what else to do. I still remember that kiss and the girl who kissed me. She is still a dear friend after many years and when we get together for lunch that kiss comes up and we laugh about it. I think of it as one of the reasons that helped me to know I was not gay. Confused about my sexuality because I didn’t fit in with the boys, teased unmercifully with words that crush a boy’s confidence in his gender, attracted to what he could not have–friends with other boys–which caused sexual confusion…yes I had to deal with all these feelings and none of them made me gay and still would not today.

As I grew into adolescence and the hormones kicked in, so did misery at a level that no one should undergo. It came upon me like an avalanche from the top of Mt Everest. I often wished an actual avalanche would have covered me as the pain and suffering would have ended after suffocation or freezing to death. This avalanche only paralyzed and burdened me so that I suppressed feelings and isolated myself even more than ever. The attraction to guys was so intense and I had no idea why? Oh how I truly hated myself. We went to church and this was very conflicting. I really enjoyed to worship through music, learning Bible stories of people who suffered and how God rescued them–as I needed a rescuer desperately! I wanted to believe God loved me. But I also felt this wasn’t true because of my uncontrollable feeling about other boys, and yet, I wanted to believe it so bad as then it would mean I was not gay. So, this drove me to know, yet again at a new stage in my development that something was wrong with me and that God would fix me. I prayed constantly and would not give up. It felt like it would never happen. It was a lifetime. I sit here now rejoicing that I never gave up on Him. Jesus did heal me. What caused this healing to take so long? Me! I was in a stronghold of fear, rejection, and bound by a secret that I knew I could never tell or I’d be despised. I prayed, hoped, existed as I had no idea what else to do?

After becoming a young man three incidents happened with other guys and each time I wanted to die as the guilt, shame, dirtiness, filthiness, and feelings I could not even give words to came. I hated these feelings and they were not worth the minuscule in comparison of physical pleasure. So, I set in my heart these acts could not happen again. I did not care how strong the desires or urges. They were wrong or else they would not have created such intense damaging and destructive emotions. I prayed and prayed for God to bring me a wife. I wanted to be a family man and become a dad someday. This would change me. I held out and God answered my prayer. He gave me a wife and two daughters all in one package! This answer to my continued prayer was greater than any way I could have imagined!! I was happy for the first time in my life. And, I had three more reasons to hold out for God’s healing, His transformation to change the desires of my heart as I knew I’d lose these people if they knew my deep dark secret. So, I kept it longer. I kept it so long and wore so many masks that this secret became my best friend when sadness left me after getting married. Problem was, sadness doesn’t leave and stay gone. No, he wanted to come back as he wanted my heart and mind and…I let him back in.

Yes, these are my reasons that I clung to to keep me from going insane and making a decision that I believe would have killed me, becoming gay. I did not know then that a horrific tragedy would come into my life years in the future that God would use to bring me the healing I longed for–more than oxygen. I just knew I was not gay and He would save me from this, someday. That was enough. I struggled greatly and failed sinning in so many ways with this beast inside me. Yet, I did not succumb and Jesus was with me the whole time loving and protecting me. His promises are always stronger than the greatest grade of steel and more valuable the purest of gold, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Heb 13:5. And, He never did and He never will! I hesitate to use the word “never” as it is the word most likely to bite me in the backside.. except with God. God is always good for His Word.

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About Carey Oster

Life is a great treasure chest. I am thankful I believe this now as in my past, I doubted. I strive to be realistic knowing that the best is yet to come. This is true on “mountain top” days as there will be taller mountains to scale with views even more awe-inspiring. And there will be dark valleys to tread through which seem unending, but never are. Both are times to treasure when with Jesus.

Comments

  1. LIVIA Williams says:

    Thanks for sharing your heart Carey. Praise The Lord that He loves each of us so much and never let’s go of us. God has a plan to use your struggles to help others as they walk their journeys. So blessed to have met you. Will be praying for you. Blessing you, LIVIA.

    • Thank you Livia! I am so thankful we met and need your prayer covering! Yes, I know you are right as I truly see my life as a living out of Ro 8:28 – ALL things work for good when I love God and live according to His purposes for me.

  2. Donna Morey says:

    Carey, this was so informative, encouraging, and uplifting. I honestly don’t participate in Facebook very often (just look at my Facebook page…never updated!), but I do check out yours so often because I know you share your faith so beautifully and I always feel better after reading your posts. I know what you have shared will help many people with many issues. It not only applies to the gay issue, but to many other struggles people battle in their lives on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing Carey.

    • Donna, I am greatly humbled that you feel I share my faith in a beautiful way – thank you! I prayed and prayed over even starting this blog and this post in particular. I received several confirmations in prayer and now afterward, more! I am purposely living my life in “reckless abandon with Jesus” this year (another blog soon to be born) and desire show the world through my life and story how real God is and how much Jesus loves them. I too hope my story will help people with all kinds of struggles and in particular those with unwanted SSA/homosexual desires. I will do my best to keep pursuing Jesus and sharing Him however I can so as to encourage you in your walk. Thank you so much for your comment!
      P.S. If you like the blog please “Follow” and I also have a page on FB with the same name – please “Like” it too.

  3. Carey, Amazing testimony !! Love you brother in Christ!!

  4. Carey, you are one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Almost a brother. I can’t say I totally agree with your thinking (you know me). But, I don’t have to agree with it. Just have to love you. You can count on that no matter what.

    • Thank you Chad! I know I have your unconditional love and I love you the same too. We don’t have to agree to love and respect each other. This is something I want to live out in my blog and life as I know there will be many who disagree with me. That is fine. I love them too. We all have powerful stories and make personal choices on how we are going to live our lives. I have made mine and I very content with who I am now and who I am growing into more and more. I have freedom from what I hated most about my life. This is me and not everyone feels this way regarding SSA/homosexuality. Each person being brutally honest with their-self is what is vitally important. Then, to be courageous to do what needs to be done to change if that is truly what they need to do. Some will. Some won’t. I want to help those who want to change. And this is true of whatever someone has in their life they don’t want – not only unwanted SSA/homosexuality.

  5. Ginger Bogle says:

    Carey – you are what it really means to be a man! Humble, courageous, loving other more than your own pride – I could go on. (But I don’t want to give you a big head) Bless you brother, God is using and is going to use you again and again. So proud to be your friend.

    • Ginger, you could have gone on a little more and I wouldn’t have gotten a big head, I promise! You are a dear friend and I too know God is leading me in doing this to help the world see how REAL He is and how much Jesus loves them as my story can be their story too…if they surrender and let Him lead them to the freedom He gives to anyone willing to do the work. Please join in praying for Shirley and I as I go forward with this in that the enemy is not going to roll over and take it. I will do anything with Jesus now. I will not go back to living a life in secrets, lies, and fear!
      Hey, if you liked my blog please “Follow” and tell others about it. I also made up a FB page by the same name. Please “Like” and share it too.

  6. prayerlady128 says:

    Thank you, Carey, for a powerful and courageous story.

  7. I appreciate your honesty and love for Jesus, seeing your struggle and recovery and God’s work in your life. I to prayed often for healing, but wanted God to heal me instantly. I think I was too embarrassed and ashamed to get help. I wish I had your conviction not to act out. I acted outside my marriage. God finally convicted to get help. I nearly lost a longtime marriage. The consequences are hell. I am lucky God gave a Godly wife who is staying with me. There are lots of hurdles to go over. We love each other, but I am rebuilding trust from Zero. If you have problems, get help early. Later is a lot harder and the consiquences are greater.

    • Thank you Roy for your honesty and I am so glad you are getting help! I hope this blog and my story is helping you too. I am praying for you and know you are a mighty warrior who will overcome, Jn 16:33.

  8. SavedbyGrace~ Debbi Shertz says:

    ♥ Carey~ I am sorry it took me so long to comment, I just read this a few days ago, knowing I would need to be ‘ready’ to read it, and I waited to comment because I want to express my heart, not some flippant Christianese ..
    I am so proud of you, not only for being so transparent, but for fighting the good fight day in day out, night after night, moment by moment. I have seen and experienced the devastation this can bring to an entire family when the person chooses not to fight the fight, trust God, and cling to Jesus. You my sweet friend have taken a stand for righteousness, and when you have done all, you continue to stand, putting on the whole armor of God..
    You will have many crowns to lay at Jesus feet when you stand before Him, for all the things you have done, and continue to do in His Name.. You are truly a witness of His love and mercy, I know that every person you meet, you leave a part of Gods great love and Jesus’ mercy and forgiveness with them.. and that they have seen Jesus in you.
    I am so thankful to God for our friendship, I cannot remember when we were not friends, God has done amazing things in you and through you, and gave you such a priceless gift in Shirley and your two beautiful daughters and now their families.. My heart rejoices when I think of you all and how perfect Gods timing is, and I know you and your family will continue to do much for the Kingdom of God!
    Love ya Bud~Debbi
    “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you” Phil 1:3 kjv
    “The Lord bless you and watch, guard, and keep you;
    The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious (kind, merciful, and giving favor) to you;
    The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually)”. Num 6:24-26 amp ♥

    • Debbi,
      Thank you for your encouragement! I know how this lifestyle choice has touched you. I wanted often to share with you and didn’t because of fear and I felt it might make it harder for you since the person in your life made opposite decisions which tore your life apart. God has been so generous with me and I know He is the same with all of us. We must chose to work with Him though. I made that decision long ago and over the past decade, and especially the past couple years, really started doing the hard work with Him to bring me the freedom we (Jesus and I as I’m never alone) enjoy. Now, I share my life to help everyone know freedom is real and they too can have it if they are willing to do the hard work. I especially want to help those with unwanted SSA/homosexual desires. It is a very lonely, depressing, horrific place to be and I will do my best to help destroy the walls and shatter the barriers that keep people from knowing how real God is and how much Jesus loves them so they can be transformed, renewed, restored, and thrive!
      Love you tons!!

  9. My heart goes out to Debbie and the other spouses. I am in recovery and working hard. But it is hard to comprehend the hurt and anguish I have caused. I know the most important thing I can do is to heal and be strong, but it is so hard to see the shattering my actions have been

    • Roy, it takes a real man to humble himself, confess and repent, and then make retribution for his sins. Christ helps us all along the way including bringing us to the point in time where we realize we have sinned and cannot any longer. You are doing this great work and I’m very proud of you. I pray for healing for you and your marriage. It will happen! Keep laying it down and working with Jesus in all He asks of you and He’ll do the rest.
      Love you bro!

Love to know what you think!

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